The (Dreaded) Fourth Trimester

The baby is here, we are all (finally) home from the hospital, and reality sets in… Get ready for some real, raw, honest truth about the immediate postpartum/fourth trimester season.

The sleep deprivation. The endless breastfeeding. The blood curdling screaming and crying. Aaaand the hormone rollercoaster.

Nothing prepared me for what the immediate weeks and months of postpartum would be like… I read and researched and *thought* I was prepared but no, not even close.

The trauma of going into labor early and having Nadia in the NICU for a week, not to mention the last 6 weeks of pregnancy where I was in pain everyday and nearly immobile, was still very present and I was trying to process that while our angel was home. I looked at picture perfect newborn and postpartum moments on Instagram and was wondering when I’d experience that, because I was beyond exhausted, and didn’t feel that beautiful peace that I saw in other new moms.

I’m so incredibly grateful for this sweet child of mine, but motherhood and postpartum is nothing like what I expected. Looking back, the first 6 weeks were a blur, but I remember them being the hardest of my whole life. The sleep deprivation takes a toll like you can never imagine. I thought I could die at any moment from the sheer exhaustion. And my hormones were all over the place; I was crying everyday, sometimes while breastfeeding, other times while trying to go to sleep, or even just in the shower. I felt like I could never be enough for her and her extreme fussiness was my fault. I felt like I was already failing as a mom. I really didn’t think I could make it another day. The anxiety was at an all time high, plus the raging hormones, but there was something deeper going on.

Enter: PPD/A.

I didn’t want to admit it because I thought I’d be admitting that I failed and that I should be able to just do this on my own. But I reached out to my doctor and said, “I need help.” One of the hardest things to do is to admit that, especially when you know it means you’ll need medication. So there I was, with a bottle of Zoloft in front of me, sobbing because I never wanted to be on anxiety medication again (I was on it for years and it was so hard weaning off of) so as I took that first pill and cried, I prayed that God would help me feel sane again.

After about a week of being on Zoloft, I already had a huge weight lifted off my chest. Before, I had a literal elephant sitting on my chest, making it hard to breathe, to move, to focus, to do anything really. I was so worried about her sleeping and when she’d need to eat again and her general health. But mostly, it was her sleep and wake schedule that stressed me out. Being a new mom in the thick of the postpartum season is like being a nurse on-call 24/7. At any moment, your babe might/will need you and you have to drop everything (including but not limited to sleeping, eating, showering, etc) and I know typing it out now, it seems like common sense, but I guess I didn’t realize how absolutely incredibly needy this tiny human was and how I’d be her whole world.

Around week 8, my MIL came to stay with us after I basically begged for her help, and I can’t even begin to explain how much of a lifesaver she was. Don’t get me wrong, Joel has been my rock and the reason I’ve been able to get through each day, and my MIL swooped in when we both needed her most and has gave us the break we desperately needed. Words can’t express how grateful I am. She’s a baby whisperer and the most loving caregiver with a heart of gold. Her visit helped me rest and rejuvenate me so that I could continue loving on this amazing family of mine.

One of the biggest things that helped get my sanity back was…. SLEEP. It seems kind of obvious, but with Nadia finally sleeping in longer stretches, I was able to sleep more too. But more than that, Joel started taking over night shifts, meaning he would sleep in a different room than me with the baby monitor, check on her if she cried and needed soothing, and would do one bottle feed of my milk so that I could sleep more (I would do a quick pump instead of being up for 30+ mins feeding her). It might sound weird and I feel guilty at times but it truly is the reason I can be the best mom I can be with my sanity in check.

If you’ve made it this far, I want to mention a few things that have helped me recover in this fourth trimester period:

Things that have helped:

SLEEEEEP! Ok I think we get it.

I’ve been using the following supplements to keep me going:

Mother Nutrient’s Four Mushroom Complex, Saffron Extract and Methylated B Complex
Ritual’s Postnatal Multivitamin
EnergyBits spirulina and chlorella (use code ATXEATSANDTREATS for a discount)
Legendairy Milk Sunflower Lecithin (as needed to prevent or reduce clogged ducts)

I also had to increase my liquid intake by A LOT and these are a few of my fave drinks:

Organifi green juice (use code ATXEATSANDTREATS for a discount)
Après sea salt chocolate (use code ATXEATSANDTREATS for a discount)
Daily Harvest smoothies (use code ATX for a discount)
Roar electrolyte drinks

In addition to all the things I’ve been doing to increase my health in this postpartum season, I completed a breastmilk test with Lactation Lab – they test your milk for different nutrients as well as harmful substances like arsenic and lead. My milk was in the normal range for everything tested but slightly low in calcium and iron so I’m eating foods to increase those so I can optimize my health! P.S. you can use my code ATXEATSANDTREATS for a discount!

I’ll be honest… my diet hasn’t been great. I workout, at best, two times a week. Some days are better than others, just like with everything in life. Once I felt up for cooking again, I started making quite a few yummy dishes like this ahi tuna stir fry and pepperoni and mushroom focaccia pizza. But going out to eat after I got fully vaxxed has been amaaaazing.

If you are breastfeeding, I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to have a good nursing/pumping bra! My faves are the Amelia bra from Davin & Adley, the nursing tank by Bravado, and the nursing bra from Kindred and Bravely. I bought and didn’t like the Rose 2.0 bra and Ayla bra from Dairy Fairy. Once my boobs stopped being engorged (took six weeks because I had an oversupply at the beginning) I was able to just wear tshirts again which was the best feeling in the world.

Today, as I finish writing this blog post, my sweet Nadia is 4.5 months old and I feel like a whole new person being on the other side of the fourth trimester, but still in the thick of postpartum life. Things are still hard, but I feel like I’ve grown in wisdom, character and strength. And we are actually going out together and doing fun things! Becoming a mama has been so sanctifying, and I’m grateful for this incredibly special role.

***If you’re reading this and you’re in the thick of the fourth trimester, or you’re pregnant and worried about what the next season of your life will look like, know that you WILL get through it even though it feels impossible. And I’m here to offer a listening ear, if you need it. You got this, mama.***